So, after re-reading my post from yesterday I feel the need to apologise. I might have been a tad over-dramatic. Sorry dear reader for having to put up with my mini-mental-meltdown.
I've decided life is like eggs....sometimes it's sunnyside up, and sometimes it's scrambled. Heh.
Tonight is my work Christmas party so I should have a fun post tomorrow, and some pictures to spice up my page. Stay tuned...
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
Failure By Design
FUCK.
IT.
ALL.
Seriously.
It seems like a very short time ago I had the whole world at my feet. I was happier than I'd been in....well, to be honest, as long as I can remember. Not that I was unhappy before, it was a just a fluke series of events that elevated me to a whole new level of elation that I'd never dared to imagine. It seemed like my whole life was falling into place. I was leaving a job I had grown to hate for something new that I really loved....I was going back to school & actually into it for the first time since first year....financially I was laughing....and I was in love with the most amazing man I had met in years. I would wake up in the morning & jump out of bed, excited for what the day might bring (which if you know me is a HUGE accomplishment). I had some very high hopes for the future.
It's funny how quickly your whole life can change....ok, not so much funny as tragic.
Now it seems like the world has got me on my knees. I still love my new job, but between the rushes it seems like there aren't enough hours to pay the bills. I'm used to having alot of disposable income & up until recently I hadn't adjusted my spending to fit my new financial state. Well, shit. It doesn't take a university graduate to figure out that's not going to work out well. It brings into question the neverending conflict of doing you something you love for less money, or going back to what you hate simply for the cash.
Emotionally, I'm a mess. It seems that being single for so long (pretty much 4 years or so), I had forgotten how straining heartbreak can be. I found myself really unprepared. This isn't your simple, run of the mill breakup (although that's what everyone says when they are in the middle of a breakup)...it's far more complicated than I'd care to get into. Needless to say, I haven't felt like this since I broke up with the first boy I fell in love with around ten years ago. (I recently found out that boy is now happily married, and that stung a bit. I always wondered if we would meet up again down the road as adults.) Sometimes life would be so much easier if your heart had a built in on/off switch.
Unfortunately, a byproduct of my emotional instability is a lack of motivation. And by the time I snap out of it, my schoolwork is irrevocably damaged. When I'm hurting the last thing I want to do is go to class, or do my homework. So sometimes I stay in bed, and sometimes I drive around in circles trying to make sense of the muddled thoughts & emotions that consume me. I listen to songs that express my pain over & over again, singing or screaming along, often crying for no reason at all. None of these things is particularly constructive, but they are the only defense mechanisms I have developed over the years.
So here I am at the end of the semester: conflicted, heartbroken, broke, anticipating academic probation. I can't wait for next semester to start....I'm so ready for a fresh canvas.
IT.
ALL.
Seriously.
It seems like a very short time ago I had the whole world at my feet. I was happier than I'd been in....well, to be honest, as long as I can remember. Not that I was unhappy before, it was a just a fluke series of events that elevated me to a whole new level of elation that I'd never dared to imagine. It seemed like my whole life was falling into place. I was leaving a job I had grown to hate for something new that I really loved....I was going back to school & actually into it for the first time since first year....financially I was laughing....and I was in love with the most amazing man I had met in years. I would wake up in the morning & jump out of bed, excited for what the day might bring (which if you know me is a HUGE accomplishment). I had some very high hopes for the future.
It's funny how quickly your whole life can change....ok, not so much funny as tragic.
Now it seems like the world has got me on my knees. I still love my new job, but between the rushes it seems like there aren't enough hours to pay the bills. I'm used to having alot of disposable income & up until recently I hadn't adjusted my spending to fit my new financial state. Well, shit. It doesn't take a university graduate to figure out that's not going to work out well. It brings into question the neverending conflict of doing you something you love for less money, or going back to what you hate simply for the cash.
Emotionally, I'm a mess. It seems that being single for so long (pretty much 4 years or so), I had forgotten how straining heartbreak can be. I found myself really unprepared. This isn't your simple, run of the mill breakup (although that's what everyone says when they are in the middle of a breakup)...it's far more complicated than I'd care to get into. Needless to say, I haven't felt like this since I broke up with the first boy I fell in love with around ten years ago. (I recently found out that boy is now happily married, and that stung a bit. I always wondered if we would meet up again down the road as adults.) Sometimes life would be so much easier if your heart had a built in on/off switch.
Unfortunately, a byproduct of my emotional instability is a lack of motivation. And by the time I snap out of it, my schoolwork is irrevocably damaged. When I'm hurting the last thing I want to do is go to class, or do my homework. So sometimes I stay in bed, and sometimes I drive around in circles trying to make sense of the muddled thoughts & emotions that consume me. I listen to songs that express my pain over & over again, singing or screaming along, often crying for no reason at all. None of these things is particularly constructive, but they are the only defense mechanisms I have developed over the years.
So here I am at the end of the semester: conflicted, heartbroken, broke, anticipating academic probation. I can't wait for next semester to start....I'm so ready for a fresh canvas.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Ten Pounds Of Shit In A Five Pound Bag
Dear Today,
I feel like poo. Not for any reason in particular. I just do.
I hate days like you, Today. I had so many plans for us....none of which were realized. But I can't blame you for that, Today. You started out with so much promise....I was going to get so much accomplished. You & I were going to be something else, Today...together we were going to turn this stanky ass life of mine around. But being the Queen of Procrastination is very demanding on one's schedule. There are so many important things to be done....like watching tv, going for coffee & driving around in the boons, or trying to stream PunkRadioCast on my blog (which I still can't figure out...grrr).
Screw you Today.....you were such a dissapointment. Oh, Today...don't cry. I know that there is nobody to blame but myself. My lazy, unmotivated, unproductive self. I'm sorry I yelled at you, Today; it's not your fault I wasted you away. I know you have to leave soon, but don't be mad at you when you go. I hope we look back on the time we have spent together fondly...perhaps in hindsight we can both appreciate the time we had simply because Today always looks better when it becomes Yesterday.
As our time together slowly comes to a close, I find myself thinking of Tomorrow. Maybe I will treat Tomorrow better than I treated you, Today. Don't be angry that Tomorrow gets all the glory...it just seems so shiny & new in comparison to the fading light you now posess. So full of promise & hope that it will hold more than the emptiness that consumed us.
We are both victims, Today....simply for being ourselves it seems. Let's cherish what little time we have left. Let's curl up in bed together with a good book, listen to some good tunes & hold eachother until Tomorrow steals in to take your place.
I feel like poo. Not for any reason in particular. I just do.
I hate days like you, Today. I had so many plans for us....none of which were realized. But I can't blame you for that, Today. You started out with so much promise....I was going to get so much accomplished. You & I were going to be something else, Today...together we were going to turn this stanky ass life of mine around. But being the Queen of Procrastination is very demanding on one's schedule. There are so many important things to be done....like watching tv, going for coffee & driving around in the boons, or trying to stream PunkRadioCast on my blog (which I still can't figure out...grrr).
Screw you Today.....you were such a dissapointment. Oh, Today...don't cry. I know that there is nobody to blame but myself. My lazy, unmotivated, unproductive self. I'm sorry I yelled at you, Today; it's not your fault I wasted you away. I know you have to leave soon, but don't be mad at you when you go. I hope we look back on the time we have spent together fondly...perhaps in hindsight we can both appreciate the time we had simply because Today always looks better when it becomes Yesterday.
As our time together slowly comes to a close, I find myself thinking of Tomorrow. Maybe I will treat Tomorrow better than I treated you, Today. Don't be angry that Tomorrow gets all the glory...it just seems so shiny & new in comparison to the fading light you now posess. So full of promise & hope that it will hold more than the emptiness that consumed us.
We are both victims, Today....simply for being ourselves it seems. Let's cherish what little time we have left. Let's curl up in bed together with a good book, listen to some good tunes & hold eachother until Tomorrow steals in to take your place.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
If You Could Live Forever, What Would You Live For?
Last night I went to go see Twilight. I've read the first three novels in the series, and the movie is pretty decent. It stays fairly true to the novel and it seems like they only edited what was necessary to compress it into a 90 minute run time. For those of you living under a rock, the premise is simply this: Teenage girl falls in love with vampire. It can be a tad dramatic and over the top at points, but I have a soft spot for it because I found the series really useful for some emotional purging a while back (ie.: read book & cry like a baby).
But this post isn't about the movie (although I do recommend it as well as the novels). In the novels one of the main characters asks at one point "If you could live forever what would you live for?" and that got me thinking...what WOULD I live for?
As far back as I can remember, ever since I was a little girl I always wanted to be a vampire. If given the option today, I wouldn't even have to think about it. Feel free to laugh, I know I do. I remember lying in my bed fantasizing about the night when some gorgeous vampire would sweep into my room (via the window of course), profess his undying love (no pun intended), and proceed to seductively bite me and turn me into a vampire myself. Then together we would steal off into the night, never to return and living a million perfect & exciting lifetimes all over the world. Perhaps these were nothing more than the fantasies of an oversexed pubescent girl who read too many Anne Rice novels, but I think that upon further examination it can be a reflection of what I desire from life. Humour me.
When I think of vampires (especially female vamps), I see them as these beautiful, sexy & seductive creatures. Despite their attractive exterior, they are also incredibly strong and intelligent...truly the ultimate predator. These are all qualities I admire, and would love to posses. Except maybe the predator part....well in your conventional sense anyways. Speaking as a woman who is truly tired of being an emotional victim (granted, of my own making) it would nice to remember what it's like to be the predator. I used to be really good at it. There is something really satisfying about feeling so in control, and not letting yourself be vulnerable.
The flip side to this fantasy can be extrapolated from the actions of the male vampire: he professses his undying love, joins us together forever and takes me away on this wonderful adventure of a life. It's really kind of sad that my dream life is completely dependant on the love of a stranger.
So what can I take from this? Maybe I need to spend more time focusing on myself, nurturing the traits that I desire. Maybe when I make myself into the strong, independant person that I want to be, the rest of my life will just fall into place? At least that's what people keep telling me. But until then, I will continue to think about my imaginary vampire lover, and wonder when he will come & sweep me off my feet....hey, it could happen....one day....maybe? And if you see me on the streets, don't worry, I don't bite......hard, anyways.
So if I could live forever, I suppose I would live for myself. When it comes down to the bare bones of it all, isn't that the one thing that will always remain constant in your life? No matter what you do, whoever enters or leaves, whoever helps you or hurts you....the one person who will always be there is your self.
Thanks, self. This life's for you.
But this post isn't about the movie (although I do recommend it as well as the novels). In the novels one of the main characters asks at one point "If you could live forever what would you live for?" and that got me thinking...what WOULD I live for?
As far back as I can remember, ever since I was a little girl I always wanted to be a vampire. If given the option today, I wouldn't even have to think about it. Feel free to laugh, I know I do. I remember lying in my bed fantasizing about the night when some gorgeous vampire would sweep into my room (via the window of course), profess his undying love (no pun intended), and proceed to seductively bite me and turn me into a vampire myself. Then together we would steal off into the night, never to return and living a million perfect & exciting lifetimes all over the world. Perhaps these were nothing more than the fantasies of an oversexed pubescent girl who read too many Anne Rice novels, but I think that upon further examination it can be a reflection of what I desire from life. Humour me.
When I think of vampires (especially female vamps), I see them as these beautiful, sexy & seductive creatures. Despite their attractive exterior, they are also incredibly strong and intelligent...truly the ultimate predator. These are all qualities I admire, and would love to posses. Except maybe the predator part....well in your conventional sense anyways. Speaking as a woman who is truly tired of being an emotional victim (granted, of my own making) it would nice to remember what it's like to be the predator. I used to be really good at it. There is something really satisfying about feeling so in control, and not letting yourself be vulnerable.
The flip side to this fantasy can be extrapolated from the actions of the male vampire: he professses his undying love, joins us together forever and takes me away on this wonderful adventure of a life. It's really kind of sad that my dream life is completely dependant on the love of a stranger.
So what can I take from this? Maybe I need to spend more time focusing on myself, nurturing the traits that I desire. Maybe when I make myself into the strong, independant person that I want to be, the rest of my life will just fall into place? At least that's what people keep telling me. But until then, I will continue to think about my imaginary vampire lover, and wonder when he will come & sweep me off my feet....hey, it could happen....one day....maybe? And if you see me on the streets, don't worry, I don't bite......hard, anyways.
So if I could live forever, I suppose I would live for myself. When it comes down to the bare bones of it all, isn't that the one thing that will always remain constant in your life? No matter what you do, whoever enters or leaves, whoever helps you or hurts you....the one person who will always be there is your self.
Thanks, self. This life's for you.
Are You There Blog? It's Me, Leah.
First post in a new blog. Is it weird that I'm anxious? Nervous?
Little known fact:
I used to have another blog. I wrote an anonymous blog when I was going to school in Hamilton. That blog was updated religiously for a little while (weeks? months?) and then quickly abandoned. I genuinely hope that I'm not so fickle with this one. Perhaps in the years between I've matured enough to actually maintain some sort of commitment? Ha. Who am I trying to fool? I suppose only time will tell.
A little about me for those of you who aren't fortunate enough to be graced with my presence in the flesh:
I'm a 25 year old, single, straight female. I'm three and a half credits away from graduating with my B.A. in General Arts & Sciences (a.k.a. "I dunno what to do with my life 101"). I'm a Canadian girl living in St. Catharines, Ontario.I'm very proud to be of Irish-Italian descent. I couldn't survive without art & music. I'm terrified that I may be a terrible dancer although people have assured me otherwise. I analyze things far too much for my own damn good. I like to think I'm quick-witted & sharp tongued...but I tend to be sarcastic & jaded. I love to laugh. My mind likes to spend most of its time in the gutter. I push boundaries and can sometimes be offensive. I will do just about anything for my friends. I've been told that I have "a spine of steel, a heart of gold, and balls of brass", and yet I still posses the self esteem of a 13 year old girl. I sometimes think I might be the sanest fucked up person on the planet.
Why "ghetto.punk.chic"? Why blog now?:
The handle came from commenting on my cousin's blog (Shambled Ramblings....if you haven't read it yet, leave my blog & check it out. Trust me, it's that good). It's a bit of a commentary on the paradox that is me. I look pretty punk-ish in appearance, I listen to alot of punk and alternative music, but you'd be shocked to know I can rap almost every word to Snoop Dogg's "Doggystyle" album....or Mobb Deep's "Quiet Storm"....and many more. Strange, I know. My use of street slang in everyday conversation can (at times) be quite ridiculous.
I decided to start this blog because I've been feeling pretty lost lately. There have been times when my thoughts have been spinning around my head so fast that I can't even tell which way is up. The worst part is that despite how fast my thoughts are going it seems that I'm standing still when it comes to...well, everything. I started keeping a journal and it seemed to help...so I think that this could help too. I like the idea of feedback, and belonging to a community of people who might possibly be as introspective as I tend to be.
So that, for the most part, is me. Here I am, nice to meet you....hopefully you'll enjoy getting to know me too. If nothing else, I assure you it'll be interesting.
Little known fact:
I used to have another blog. I wrote an anonymous blog when I was going to school in Hamilton. That blog was updated religiously for a little while (weeks? months?) and then quickly abandoned. I genuinely hope that I'm not so fickle with this one. Perhaps in the years between I've matured enough to actually maintain some sort of commitment? Ha. Who am I trying to fool? I suppose only time will tell.
A little about me for those of you who aren't fortunate enough to be graced with my presence in the flesh:
I'm a 25 year old, single, straight female. I'm three and a half credits away from graduating with my B.A. in General Arts & Sciences (a.k.a. "I dunno what to do with my life 101"). I'm a Canadian girl living in St. Catharines, Ontario.I'm very proud to be of Irish-Italian descent. I couldn't survive without art & music. I'm terrified that I may be a terrible dancer although people have assured me otherwise. I analyze things far too much for my own damn good. I like to think I'm quick-witted & sharp tongued...but I tend to be sarcastic & jaded. I love to laugh. My mind likes to spend most of its time in the gutter. I push boundaries and can sometimes be offensive. I will do just about anything for my friends. I've been told that I have "a spine of steel, a heart of gold, and balls of brass", and yet I still posses the self esteem of a 13 year old girl. I sometimes think I might be the sanest fucked up person on the planet.
Why "ghetto.punk.chic"? Why blog now?:
The handle came from commenting on my cousin's blog (Shambled Ramblings....if you haven't read it yet, leave my blog & check it out. Trust me, it's that good). It's a bit of a commentary on the paradox that is me. I look pretty punk-ish in appearance, I listen to alot of punk and alternative music, but you'd be shocked to know I can rap almost every word to Snoop Dogg's "Doggystyle" album....or Mobb Deep's "Quiet Storm"....and many more. Strange, I know. My use of street slang in everyday conversation can (at times) be quite ridiculous.
I decided to start this blog because I've been feeling pretty lost lately. There have been times when my thoughts have been spinning around my head so fast that I can't even tell which way is up. The worst part is that despite how fast my thoughts are going it seems that I'm standing still when it comes to...well, everything. I started keeping a journal and it seemed to help...so I think that this could help too. I like the idea of feedback, and belonging to a community of people who might possibly be as introspective as I tend to be.
So that, for the most part, is me. Here I am, nice to meet you....hopefully you'll enjoy getting to know me too. If nothing else, I assure you it'll be interesting.
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