Failure By Design

FUCK.
IT.
ALL.

Seriously.

It seems like a very short time ago I had the whole world at my feet. I was happier than I'd been in....well, to be honest, as long as I can remember. Not that I was unhappy before, it was a just a fluke series of events that elevated me to a whole new level of elation that I'd never dared to imagine. It seemed like my whole life was falling into place. I was leaving a job I had grown to hate for something new that I really loved....I was going back to school & actually into it for the first time since first year....financially I was laughing....and I was in love with the most amazing man I had met in years. I would wake up in the morning & jump out of bed, excited for what the day might bring (which if you know me is a HUGE accomplishment). I had some very high hopes for the future.

It's funny how quickly your whole life can change....ok, not so much funny as tragic.

Now it seems like the world has got me on my knees. I still love my new job, but between the rushes it seems like there aren't enough hours to pay the bills. I'm used to having alot of disposable income & up until recently I hadn't adjusted my spending to fit my new financial state. Well, shit. It doesn't take a university graduate to figure out that's not going to work out well. It brings into question the neverending conflict of doing you something you love for less money, or going back to what you hate simply for the cash.

Emotionally, I'm a mess. It seems that being single for so long (pretty much 4 years or so), I had forgotten how straining heartbreak can be. I found myself really unprepared. This isn't your simple, run of the mill breakup (although that's what everyone says when they are in the middle of a breakup)...it's far more complicated than I'd care to get into. Needless to say, I haven't felt like this since I broke up with the first boy I fell in love with around ten years ago. (I recently found out that boy is now happily married, and that stung a bit. I always wondered if we would meet up again down the road as adults.) Sometimes life would be so much easier if your heart had a built in on/off switch.

Unfortunately, a byproduct of my emotional instability is a lack of motivation. And by the time I snap out of it, my schoolwork is irrevocably damaged. When I'm hurting the last thing I want to do is go to class, or do my homework. So sometimes I stay in bed, and sometimes I drive around in circles trying to make sense of the muddled thoughts & emotions that consume me. I listen to songs that express my pain over & over again, singing or screaming along, often crying for no reason at all. None of these things is particularly constructive, but they are the only defense mechanisms I have developed over the years.

So here I am at the end of the semester: conflicted, heartbroken, broke, anticipating academic probation. I can't wait for next semester to start....I'm so ready for a fresh canvas.