And so 2008 comes to a close. Well, it's been....interesting.
It's been a journey through the highest of highs, as well as the lowest of lows. There are memories I hope I'll never forget....and some that I wish I could.
There is one thing that I have found myself thinking about repeatedly lately, and that is how lucky I am. In my life I have been fortunate enough to meet some incredible people...and I am proud to call these fine folks my friends & family.
It's funny how hardship can make you appreciate the support systems in your life.
I know I'm not the most affectionate person...I don't hug as often as I should. I don't generally cuddle with people unless I'm really comfortable with them. Even then, from time to time I find myself feeling uncomfortable without having a real reason. Maybe I have intimacy issues. Well, I suppose we can just throw that one on top of my existing pile of issues.
I guess what I'm trying to say is how grateful I am. I love you guys...a whole crapload. I don't want to even imagine where or what I would be if I did not have you all in my life. Thanks for sticking it out with me...this year & the years previous too.
Hopefully I haven't pissed you all off too much this year so that we can make some fantastic new memories in 2009. Here's to the rest of this year, and all the best in the new one.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Monday, December 29, 2008
I'm Not Broken...
I'm not broken.
It may appear to you that I'm flawed....that somewhere along the line someone or something damaged me. This might be true, but it doesn't mean I'm broken.
I'm not broken.
I might not be perfect....I make mistakes, and tend to repeat them. I may from time to time make things harder than they need to be, but it doesn't mean I'm broken.
I'm not broken.
I'm not as happy as I used to be....but I'm not as sad as I know I can be. Time and experience have taught me how to numb my pain. I hurt, but it doesn't mean I'm broken.
I'm not broken.
I seem to be a pet project that you say you are trying to fix, but your actions always make things worse. You beat yourself up, painting yourself as the martyr...but it still doesn't make me broken.
Even if I was, I wouldn't need you to fix me. I can fix myself.....
But I'm not broken.
It may appear to you that I'm flawed....that somewhere along the line someone or something damaged me. This might be true, but it doesn't mean I'm broken.
I'm not broken.
I might not be perfect....I make mistakes, and tend to repeat them. I may from time to time make things harder than they need to be, but it doesn't mean I'm broken.
I'm not broken.
I'm not as happy as I used to be....but I'm not as sad as I know I can be. Time and experience have taught me how to numb my pain. I hurt, but it doesn't mean I'm broken.
I'm not broken.
I seem to be a pet project that you say you are trying to fix, but your actions always make things worse. You beat yourself up, painting yourself as the martyr...but it still doesn't make me broken.
Even if I was, I wouldn't need you to fix me. I can fix myself.....
But I'm not broken.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Busy On The Outside, Dead On The Inside
Oh how I loathe & detest the holiday season.
Why? Well, try & visit a mall in the next couple days....or even driving in the relative proximity of one. It took a half an hour to drive my grandmother to the grocery store yesterday. I could have walked there in about ten minutes. If it were up to me I would have said screw the whole thing, but starving grandmothers without groceries is not what the holiday season is about.
It's about sharing joy & peace with your fellow man, right? Tell that to the shoppers who seem to have not only forgotten about courtesey, but also your basic rules of the road. Let me tell you how peaceful & joyful I felt....with a honk of my horn & an obscene gesture.
The holiday season is definitely about the birth of Christ, right? Let's pretend I'm not agnostic for the sake of arguement...I still seem to get lost somewhere between a baby being born a looooong time ago in a desert and some jolly fat man committing a million b&e's the same night every year (How the hell does he get away with it? You think someone would have caught on by now. That bastard always eats all my cookies, EVERY DAMN YEAR). And then there is the copious amounts of alcohol, food, and material goods. I may be misinformed, but I'm pretty sure Jesus was anti-gluttony & consumerism. But then again it's been a while since we've been on speaking terms, so maybe his opinion has changed.
On the most basic level the holiday season is being with the people you love. Well, once the stress of dressing up & running around town in attempt to see eveyone I've ever met has passed, all I really want to do is nap my way into the new year. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends & family with all my heart....but I make a solid effort to show them that consistantly. It's alot of pressure to find that one gift that perfectly reflects the feelings you should be expressing throughout the year....and am I the only person that finds this practice a little shallow & materialistic?
So call me what you will....a Grinch....a Scrooge...but I'm not going to be apologetic. Chrismas music generally makes me want to projectile vomit and don't even get me started about the ridiculous snow we've been having. So if you see me, friends, be wary...I may look pleasant on the outside but one false move & I swear I'll snap like the wishbone from your festive turkey.
On that note, Happy Holidays all....this year you're getting my favourite anti-holiday song. Hey, it beats coal.
Why? Well, try & visit a mall in the next couple days....or even driving in the relative proximity of one. It took a half an hour to drive my grandmother to the grocery store yesterday. I could have walked there in about ten minutes. If it were up to me I would have said screw the whole thing, but starving grandmothers without groceries is not what the holiday season is about.
It's about sharing joy & peace with your fellow man, right? Tell that to the shoppers who seem to have not only forgotten about courtesey, but also your basic rules of the road. Let me tell you how peaceful & joyful I felt....with a honk of my horn & an obscene gesture.
The holiday season is definitely about the birth of Christ, right? Let's pretend I'm not agnostic for the sake of arguement...I still seem to get lost somewhere between a baby being born a looooong time ago in a desert and some jolly fat man committing a million b&e's the same night every year (How the hell does he get away with it? You think someone would have caught on by now. That bastard always eats all my cookies, EVERY DAMN YEAR). And then there is the copious amounts of alcohol, food, and material goods. I may be misinformed, but I'm pretty sure Jesus was anti-gluttony & consumerism. But then again it's been a while since we've been on speaking terms, so maybe his opinion has changed.
On the most basic level the holiday season is being with the people you love. Well, once the stress of dressing up & running around town in attempt to see eveyone I've ever met has passed, all I really want to do is nap my way into the new year. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends & family with all my heart....but I make a solid effort to show them that consistantly. It's alot of pressure to find that one gift that perfectly reflects the feelings you should be expressing throughout the year....and am I the only person that finds this practice a little shallow & materialistic?
So call me what you will....a Grinch....a Scrooge...but I'm not going to be apologetic. Chrismas music generally makes me want to projectile vomit and don't even get me started about the ridiculous snow we've been having. So if you see me, friends, be wary...I may look pleasant on the outside but one false move & I swear I'll snap like the wishbone from your festive turkey.
On that note, Happy Holidays all....this year you're getting my favourite anti-holiday song. Hey, it beats coal.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Ch-ch-changes...
Over the past few months I have gone through a few big changes. Over the past few days I had the opportunity to re-visit a couple different elements of my old life.
It was kinda strange.
Why is it that things are never quite like you remember them? There is a certain bittersweetness to going back, because you may have fond memories of the way things used to be. At the same time, there is a tinge of sadness because things aren't exactly the same....there are new situations, new people.....and the spot where you used to fit isn't really there anymore.
sigh.
And so we push on, take risks and we find new spots where we fit...but there will always be a spot in your heart & memories in your mind of the old comfy spot that doesn't really exist anymore.
Interesting sidenote:
Somebody referenced my blog in everyday conversation yesterday. Strange to think that people actually read my musings. Thanks for your patronage! heh
It was kinda strange.
Why is it that things are never quite like you remember them? There is a certain bittersweetness to going back, because you may have fond memories of the way things used to be. At the same time, there is a tinge of sadness because things aren't exactly the same....there are new situations, new people.....and the spot where you used to fit isn't really there anymore.
sigh.
And so we push on, take risks and we find new spots where we fit...but there will always be a spot in your heart & memories in your mind of the old comfy spot that doesn't really exist anymore.
Interesting sidenote:
Somebody referenced my blog in everyday conversation yesterday. Strange to think that people actually read my musings. Thanks for your patronage! heh
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Oh, I'm Just a Girl...Lucky Me
I've been pretty absent lately friends. I apologise.
In summary of this week (and a bit): I was busy but not overly productive. I had extreme ups & downs....not enough in betweens. On the days I felt like crap I didn't want to write anything because I didn't need physical evidence of my mental state. On the days where I felt good I tried to make an effort to get out & experience my contentment; a feeling that I had almost forgot existed. Overall: Yay :)
I really don't have a segue lined up for the little rant I wanted to go on, so here goes. Gather close friends, I'm about to share some knowledge with you...a theory of mine to which I have given a great deal of thought. I apologise if some people take offense, it's not intentional. Here, my friends, is my theory on women:
There are basically two types of women in this world: Chicks & Broads.
Broads are the prissy girls, the girly girls....they enjoy being femine and can sometimes be a little bit high maintainance. That annoying drunk girl at the club screaming "oh my god!" in a very loud and high pitched voice? She's definitely one. Everyone knows at least one Broad, and I bet you are thinking about her right now.
On the other end of the scale we have Chicks. The girls whose friends are mostly made up of guys, who can come off as being pretty tough and can offend most perverts with their off-colour humour. Think Donna, from That 70's Show. These girls just know how to kick it with the boys.
I'm not trying to say that any girl can fit into one of these two categories, but you can definitely place them on a scale where "Chick-ism" and "Broad-ism" are the extremes. Personally, I think of myself as more of a Chick than a Broad. Sure, I have some "Broad-ish" tendencies: I like to have my nails and my hair done, I like wearing pretty dresses, I have a severe addicition to purses and stiletto heels...and I have (regrettably) been that annoying drunk girl at the bar. But for the most part, I'm just one of the guys. I love relaxing and having a few beers, I prefer pubs & bars to clubs, I can hold my own in a discussion about a broad spectrum of music, videogames, car stereos, television & movies as well as some pretty nerdy random pop cultural trivia. Not to mention that my mind is never too far from the gutter.
Reader, you must be thinking to yourself: "Self: This is starting to make sense, but what's the point?"
Relax. I'm geting there.
My point is this: For the most part I love being a chick. I love my guy friends...I love that they lack the drama of girls. And the girls that I hang out with are very much like me, so this also helps to eliminate drama. I get all the benefits of having a girls body (because clearly, there are), but with the laid-back personality of a guy. Seems like a sweet deal, right? Pretty much the perfect girl. For a long time I thought so too. I'm starting to wonder if I might be wrong.
Maybe there's a downside to being "just one of the guys"....mostly because when you're "just one of the guys", the guys tend to forget that you're still a girl. (Unless they are trying to convince you it would be a good idea to sleep together, "cuz hey, we're friends, right?"...guys, I love you, but if one more of you offers yourself as a solution to my problematic sex life I swear, I'll ro-sham-bo every last one of you!)
It's true, I am in fact a girl. I like being told when I look nice. I like being taken out. I like being "woo-ed" (although I'm pretty sure I haven't been woo-ed, unless it was a very long time ago). I like flowers. And *gasp* I acctually like pink....with black.
So guys, give a little thought to some of the Chicks in your life. Let them know that you appreciate that they are so fun to hang out with, and tell them you're glad they aren't Broads. And as much as you love them BECAUSE they can kick it like the boys, remeber that they still appreciate the same things Broads just expect. Chances are we'll aprecciate it more....and who knows? Maybe you will realize that we're not just "one of the boys" afterall, because I think we're pretty damn special.
In summary of this week (and a bit): I was busy but not overly productive. I had extreme ups & downs....not enough in betweens. On the days I felt like crap I didn't want to write anything because I didn't need physical evidence of my mental state. On the days where I felt good I tried to make an effort to get out & experience my contentment; a feeling that I had almost forgot existed. Overall: Yay :)
I really don't have a segue lined up for the little rant I wanted to go on, so here goes. Gather close friends, I'm about to share some knowledge with you...a theory of mine to which I have given a great deal of thought. I apologise if some people take offense, it's not intentional. Here, my friends, is my theory on women:
There are basically two types of women in this world: Chicks & Broads.
Broads are the prissy girls, the girly girls....they enjoy being femine and can sometimes be a little bit high maintainance. That annoying drunk girl at the club screaming "oh my god!" in a very loud and high pitched voice? She's definitely one. Everyone knows at least one Broad, and I bet you are thinking about her right now.
On the other end of the scale we have Chicks. The girls whose friends are mostly made up of guys, who can come off as being pretty tough and can offend most perverts with their off-colour humour. Think Donna, from That 70's Show. These girls just know how to kick it with the boys.
I'm not trying to say that any girl can fit into one of these two categories, but you can definitely place them on a scale where "Chick-ism" and "Broad-ism" are the extremes. Personally, I think of myself as more of a Chick than a Broad. Sure, I have some "Broad-ish" tendencies: I like to have my nails and my hair done, I like wearing pretty dresses, I have a severe addicition to purses and stiletto heels...and I have (regrettably) been that annoying drunk girl at the bar. But for the most part, I'm just one of the guys. I love relaxing and having a few beers, I prefer pubs & bars to clubs, I can hold my own in a discussion about a broad spectrum of music, videogames, car stereos, television & movies as well as some pretty nerdy random pop cultural trivia. Not to mention that my mind is never too far from the gutter.
Reader, you must be thinking to yourself: "Self: This is starting to make sense, but what's the point?"
Relax. I'm geting there.
My point is this: For the most part I love being a chick. I love my guy friends...I love that they lack the drama of girls. And the girls that I hang out with are very much like me, so this also helps to eliminate drama. I get all the benefits of having a girls body (because clearly, there are), but with the laid-back personality of a guy. Seems like a sweet deal, right? Pretty much the perfect girl. For a long time I thought so too. I'm starting to wonder if I might be wrong.
Maybe there's a downside to being "just one of the guys"....mostly because when you're "just one of the guys", the guys tend to forget that you're still a girl. (Unless they are trying to convince you it would be a good idea to sleep together, "cuz hey, we're friends, right?"...guys, I love you, but if one more of you offers yourself as a solution to my problematic sex life I swear, I'll ro-sham-bo every last one of you!)
It's true, I am in fact a girl. I like being told when I look nice. I like being taken out. I like being "woo-ed" (although I'm pretty sure I haven't been woo-ed, unless it was a very long time ago). I like flowers. And *gasp* I acctually like pink....with black.
So guys, give a little thought to some of the Chicks in your life. Let them know that you appreciate that they are so fun to hang out with, and tell them you're glad they aren't Broads. And as much as you love them BECAUSE they can kick it like the boys, remeber that they still appreciate the same things Broads just expect. Chances are we'll aprecciate it more....and who knows? Maybe you will realize that we're not just "one of the boys" afterall, because I think we're pretty damn special.
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