Maybe When We're Done With Endings This Can Begin

And so 2008 comes to a close. Well, it's been....interesting.

It's been a journey through the highest of highs, as well as the lowest of lows. There are memories I hope I'll never forget....and some that I wish I could.

There is one thing that I have found myself thinking about repeatedly lately, and that is how lucky I am. In my life I have been fortunate enough to meet some incredible people...and I am proud to call these fine folks my friends & family.

It's funny how hardship can make you appreciate the support systems in your life.

I know I'm not the most affectionate person...I don't hug as often as I should. I don't generally cuddle with people unless I'm really comfortable with them. Even then, from time to time I find myself feeling uncomfortable without having a real reason. Maybe I have intimacy issues. Well, I suppose we can just throw that one on top of my existing pile of issues.

I guess what I'm trying to say is how grateful I am. I love you guys...a whole crapload. I don't want to even imagine where or what I would be if I did not have you all in my life. Thanks for sticking it out with me...this year & the years previous too.

Hopefully I haven't pissed you all off too much this year so that we can make some fantastic new memories in 2009. Here's to the rest of this year, and all the best in the new one.

I'm Not Broken...

I'm not broken.

It may appear to you that I'm flawed....that somewhere along the line someone or something damaged me. This might be true, but it doesn't mean I'm broken.

I'm not broken.

I might not be perfect....I make mistakes, and tend to repeat them. I may from time to time make things harder than they need to be, but it doesn't mean I'm broken.

I'm not broken.

I'm not as happy as I used to be....but I'm not as sad as I know I can be. Time and experience have taught me how to numb my pain. I hurt, but it doesn't mean I'm broken.

I'm not broken.

I seem to be a pet project that you say you are trying to fix, but your actions always make things worse. You beat yourself up, painting yourself as the martyr...but it still doesn't make me broken.

Even if I was, I wouldn't need you to fix me. I can fix myself.....

But I'm not broken.

Busy On The Outside, Dead On The Inside

Oh how I loathe & detest the holiday season.

Why? Well, try & visit a mall in the next couple days....or even driving in the relative proximity of one. It took a half an hour to drive my grandmother to the grocery store yesterday. I could have walked there in about ten minutes. If it were up to me I would have said screw the whole thing, but starving grandmothers without groceries is not what the holiday season is about.

It's about sharing joy & peace with your fellow man, right? Tell that to the shoppers who seem to have not only forgotten about courtesey, but also your basic rules of the road. Let me tell you how peaceful & joyful I felt....with a honk of my horn & an obscene gesture.

The holiday season is definitely about the birth of Christ, right? Let's pretend I'm not agnostic for the sake of arguement...I still seem to get lost somewhere between a baby being born a looooong time ago in a desert and some jolly fat man committing a million b&e's the same night every year (How the hell does he get away with it? You think someone would have caught on by now. That bastard always eats all my cookies, EVERY DAMN YEAR). And then there is the copious amounts of alcohol, food, and material goods. I may be misinformed, but I'm pretty sure Jesus was anti-gluttony & consumerism. But then again it's been a while since we've been on speaking terms, so maybe his opinion has changed.

On the most basic level the holiday season is being with the people you love. Well, once the stress of dressing up & running around town in attempt to see eveyone I've ever met has passed, all I really want to do is nap my way into the new year. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends & family with all my heart....but I make a solid effort to show them that consistantly. It's alot of pressure to find that one gift that perfectly reflects the feelings you should be expressing throughout the year....and am I the only person that finds this practice a little shallow & materialistic?

So call me what you will....a Grinch....a Scrooge...but I'm not going to be apologetic. Chrismas music generally makes me want to projectile vomit and don't even get me started about the ridiculous snow we've been having. So if you see me, friends, be wary...I may look pleasant on the outside but one false move & I swear I'll snap like the wishbone from your festive turkey.

On that note, Happy Holidays all....this year you're getting my favourite anti-holiday song. Hey, it beats coal.

Ch-ch-changes...

Over the past few months I have gone through a few big changes. Over the past few days I had the opportunity to re-visit a couple different elements of my old life.

It was kinda strange.

Why is it that things are never quite like you remember them? There is a certain bittersweetness to going back, because you may have fond memories of the way things used to be. At the same time, there is a tinge of sadness because things aren't exactly the same....there are new situations, new people.....and the spot where you used to fit isn't really there anymore.

sigh.

And so we push on, take risks and we find new spots where we fit...but there will always be a spot in your heart & memories in your mind of the old comfy spot that doesn't really exist anymore.



Interesting sidenote:
Somebody referenced my blog in everyday conversation yesterday. Strange to think that people actually read my musings. Thanks for your patronage! heh

Oh, I'm Just a Girl...Lucky Me

I've been pretty absent lately friends. I apologise.

In summary of this week (and a bit): I was busy but not overly productive. I had extreme ups & downs....not enough in betweens. On the days I felt like crap I didn't want to write anything because I didn't need physical evidence of my mental state. On the days where I felt good I tried to make an effort to get out & experience my contentment; a feeling that I had almost forgot existed. Overall: Yay :)

I really don't have a segue lined up for the little rant I wanted to go on, so here goes. Gather close friends, I'm about to share some knowledge with you...a theory of mine to which I have given a great deal of thought. I apologise if some people take offense, it's not intentional. Here, my friends, is my theory on women:

There are basically two types of women in this world: Chicks & Broads.

Broads are the prissy girls, the girly girls....they enjoy being femine and can sometimes be a little bit high maintainance. That annoying drunk girl at the club screaming "oh my god!" in a very loud and high pitched voice? She's definitely one. Everyone knows at least one Broad, and I bet you are thinking about her right now.

On the other end of the scale we have Chicks. The girls whose friends are mostly made up of guys, who can come off as being pretty tough and can offend most perverts with their off-colour humour. Think Donna, from That 70's Show. These girls just know how to kick it with the boys.

I'm not trying to say that any girl can fit into one of these two categories, but you can definitely place them on a scale where "Chick-ism" and "Broad-ism" are the extremes. Personally, I think of myself as more of a Chick than a Broad. Sure, I have some "Broad-ish" tendencies: I like to have my nails and my hair done, I like wearing pretty dresses, I have a severe addicition to purses and stiletto heels...and I have (regrettably) been that annoying drunk girl at the bar. But for the most part, I'm just one of the guys. I love relaxing and having a few beers, I prefer pubs & bars to clubs, I can hold my own in a discussion about a broad spectrum of music, videogames, car stereos, television & movies as well as some pretty nerdy random pop cultural trivia. Not to mention that my mind is never too far from the gutter.

Reader, you must be thinking to yourself: "Self: This is starting to make sense, but what's the point?"

Relax. I'm geting there.

My point is this: For the most part I love being a chick. I love my guy friends...I love that they lack the drama of girls. And the girls that I hang out with are very much like me, so this also helps to eliminate drama. I get all the benefits of having a girls body (because clearly, there are), but with the laid-back personality of a guy. Seems like a sweet deal, right? Pretty much the perfect girl. For a long time I thought so too. I'm starting to wonder if I might be wrong.

Maybe there's a downside to being "just one of the guys"....mostly because when you're "just one of the guys", the guys tend to forget that you're still a girl. (Unless they are trying to convince you it would be a good idea to sleep together, "cuz hey, we're friends, right?"...guys, I love you, but if one more of you offers yourself as a solution to my problematic sex life I swear, I'll ro-sham-bo every last one of you!)

It's true, I am in fact a girl. I like being told when I look nice. I like being taken out. I like being "woo-ed" (although I'm pretty sure I haven't been woo-ed, unless it was a very long time ago). I like flowers. And *gasp* I acctually like pink....with black.

So guys, give a little thought to some of the Chicks in your life. Let them know that you appreciate that they are so fun to hang out with, and tell them you're glad they aren't Broads. And as much as you love them BECAUSE they can kick it like the boys, remeber that they still appreciate the same things Broads just expect. Chances are we'll aprecciate it more....and who knows? Maybe you will realize that we're not just "one of the boys" afterall, because I think we're pretty damn special.

When Life Gives You Eggs...

So, after re-reading my post from yesterday I feel the need to apologise. I might have been a tad over-dramatic. Sorry dear reader for having to put up with my mini-mental-meltdown.

I've decided life is like eggs....sometimes it's sunnyside up, and sometimes it's scrambled. Heh.

Tonight is my work Christmas party so I should have a fun post tomorrow, and some pictures to spice up my page. Stay tuned...

Failure By Design

FUCK.
IT.
ALL.

Seriously.

It seems like a very short time ago I had the whole world at my feet. I was happier than I'd been in....well, to be honest, as long as I can remember. Not that I was unhappy before, it was a just a fluke series of events that elevated me to a whole new level of elation that I'd never dared to imagine. It seemed like my whole life was falling into place. I was leaving a job I had grown to hate for something new that I really loved....I was going back to school & actually into it for the first time since first year....financially I was laughing....and I was in love with the most amazing man I had met in years. I would wake up in the morning & jump out of bed, excited for what the day might bring (which if you know me is a HUGE accomplishment). I had some very high hopes for the future.

It's funny how quickly your whole life can change....ok, not so much funny as tragic.

Now it seems like the world has got me on my knees. I still love my new job, but between the rushes it seems like there aren't enough hours to pay the bills. I'm used to having alot of disposable income & up until recently I hadn't adjusted my spending to fit my new financial state. Well, shit. It doesn't take a university graduate to figure out that's not going to work out well. It brings into question the neverending conflict of doing you something you love for less money, or going back to what you hate simply for the cash.

Emotionally, I'm a mess. It seems that being single for so long (pretty much 4 years or so), I had forgotten how straining heartbreak can be. I found myself really unprepared. This isn't your simple, run of the mill breakup (although that's what everyone says when they are in the middle of a breakup)...it's far more complicated than I'd care to get into. Needless to say, I haven't felt like this since I broke up with the first boy I fell in love with around ten years ago. (I recently found out that boy is now happily married, and that stung a bit. I always wondered if we would meet up again down the road as adults.) Sometimes life would be so much easier if your heart had a built in on/off switch.

Unfortunately, a byproduct of my emotional instability is a lack of motivation. And by the time I snap out of it, my schoolwork is irrevocably damaged. When I'm hurting the last thing I want to do is go to class, or do my homework. So sometimes I stay in bed, and sometimes I drive around in circles trying to make sense of the muddled thoughts & emotions that consume me. I listen to songs that express my pain over & over again, singing or screaming along, often crying for no reason at all. None of these things is particularly constructive, but they are the only defense mechanisms I have developed over the years.

So here I am at the end of the semester: conflicted, heartbroken, broke, anticipating academic probation. I can't wait for next semester to start....I'm so ready for a fresh canvas.

Ten Pounds Of Shit In A Five Pound Bag

Dear Today,

I feel like poo. Not for any reason in particular. I just do.

I hate days like you, Today. I had so many plans for us....none of which were realized. But I can't blame you for that, Today. You started out with so much promise....I was going to get so much accomplished. You & I were going to be something else, Today...together we were going to turn this stanky ass life of mine around. But being the Queen of Procrastination is very demanding on one's schedule. There are so many important things to be done....like watching tv, going for coffee & driving around in the boons, or trying to stream PunkRadioCast on my blog (which I still can't figure out...grrr).

Screw you Today.....you were such a dissapointment. Oh, Today...don't cry. I know that there is nobody to blame but myself. My lazy, unmotivated, unproductive self. I'm sorry I yelled at you, Today; it's not your fault I wasted you away. I know you have to leave soon, but don't be mad at you when you go. I hope we look back on the time we have spent together fondly...perhaps in hindsight we can both appreciate the time we had simply because Today always looks better when it becomes Yesterday.

As our time together slowly comes to a close, I find myself thinking of Tomorrow. Maybe I will treat Tomorrow better than I treated you, Today. Don't be angry that Tomorrow gets all the glory...it just seems so shiny & new in comparison to the fading light you now posess. So full of promise & hope that it will hold more than the emptiness that consumed us.

We are both victims, Today....simply for being ourselves it seems. Let's cherish what little time we have left. Let's curl up in bed together with a good book, listen to some good tunes & hold eachother until Tomorrow steals in to take your place.

If You Could Live Forever, What Would You Live For?

Last night I went to go see Twilight. I've read the first three novels in the series, and the movie is pretty decent. It stays fairly true to the novel and it seems like they only edited what was necessary to compress it into a 90 minute run time. For those of you living under a rock, the premise is simply this: Teenage girl falls in love with vampire. It can be a tad dramatic and over the top at points, but I have a soft spot for it because I found the series really useful for some emotional purging a while back (ie.: read book & cry like a baby).

But this post isn't about the movie (although I do recommend it as well as the novels). In the novels one of the main characters asks at one point "If you could live forever what would you live for?" and that got me thinking...what WOULD I live for?

As far back as I can remember, ever since I was a little girl I always wanted to be a vampire. If given the option today, I wouldn't even have to think about it. Feel free to laugh, I know I do. I remember lying in my bed fantasizing about the night when some gorgeous vampire would sweep into my room (via the window of course), profess his undying love (no pun intended), and proceed to seductively bite me and turn me into a vampire myself. Then together we would steal off into the night, never to return and living a million perfect & exciting lifetimes all over the world. Perhaps these were nothing more than the fantasies of an oversexed pubescent girl who read too many Anne Rice novels, but I think that upon further examination it can be a reflection of what I desire from life. Humour me.

When I think of vampires (especially female vamps), I see them as these beautiful, sexy & seductive creatures. Despite their attractive exterior, they are also incredibly strong and intelligent...truly the ultimate predator. These are all qualities I admire, and would love to posses. Except maybe the predator part....well in your conventional sense anyways. Speaking as a woman who is truly tired of being an emotional victim (granted, of my own making) it would nice to remember what it's like to be the predator. I used to be really good at it. There is something really satisfying about feeling so in control, and not letting yourself be vulnerable.

The flip side to this fantasy can be extrapolated from the actions of the male vampire: he professses his undying love, joins us together forever and takes me away on this wonderful adventure of a life. It's really kind of sad that my dream life is completely dependant on the love of a stranger.

So what can I take from this? Maybe I need to spend more time focusing on myself, nurturing the traits that I desire. Maybe when I make myself into the strong, independant person that I want to be, the rest of my life will just fall into place? At least that's what people keep telling me. But until then, I will continue to think about my imaginary vampire lover, and wonder when he will come & sweep me off my feet....hey, it could happen....one day....maybe? And if you see me on the streets, don't worry, I don't bite......hard, anyways.

So if I could live forever, I suppose I would live for myself. When it comes down to the bare bones of it all, isn't that the one thing that will always remain constant in your life? No matter what you do, whoever enters or leaves, whoever helps you or hurts you....the one person who will always be there is your self.

Thanks, self. This life's for you.

Are You There Blog? It's Me, Leah.

First post in a new blog. Is it weird that I'm anxious? Nervous?


Little known fact:

I used to have another blog. I wrote an anonymous blog when I was going to school in Hamilton. That blog was updated religiously for a little while (weeks? months?) and then quickly abandoned. I genuinely hope that I'm not so fickle with this one. Perhaps in the years between I've matured enough to actually maintain some sort of commitment? Ha. Who am I trying to fool? I suppose only time will tell.


A little about me for those of you who aren't fortunate enough to be graced with my presence in the flesh:

I'm a 25 year old, single, straight female. I'm three and a half credits away from graduating with my B.A. in General Arts & Sciences (a.k.a. "I dunno what to do with my life 101"). I'm a Canadian girl living in St. Catharines, Ontario.I'm very proud to be of Irish-Italian descent. I couldn't survive without art & music. I'm terrified that I may be a terrible dancer although people have assured me otherwise. I analyze things far too much for my own damn good. I like to think I'm quick-witted & sharp tongued...but I tend to be sarcastic & jaded. I love to laugh. My mind likes to spend most of its time in the gutter. I push boundaries and can sometimes be offensive. I will do just about anything for my friends. I've been told that I have "a spine of steel, a heart of gold, and balls of brass", and yet I still posses the self esteem of a 13 year old girl. I sometimes think I might be the sanest fucked up person on the planet.


Why "ghetto.punk.chic"? Why blog now?:

The handle came from commenting on my cousin's blog (Shambled Ramblings....if you haven't read it yet, leave my blog & check it out. Trust me, it's that good). It's a bit of a commentary on the paradox that is me. I look pretty punk-ish in appearance, I listen to alot of punk and alternative music, but you'd be shocked to know I can rap almost every word to Snoop Dogg's "Doggystyle" album....or Mobb Deep's "Quiet Storm"....and many more. Strange, I know. My use of street slang in everyday conversation can (at times) be quite ridiculous.

I decided to start this blog because I've been feeling pretty lost lately. There have been times when my thoughts have been spinning around my head so fast that I can't even tell which way is up. The worst part is that despite how fast my thoughts are going it seems that I'm standing still when it comes to...well, everything. I started keeping a journal and it seemed to help...so I think that this could help too. I like the idea of feedback, and belonging to a community of people who might possibly be as introspective as I tend to be.

So that, for the most part, is me. Here I am, nice to meet you....hopefully you'll enjoy getting to know me too. If nothing else, I assure you it'll be interesting.